REPLY: "Dear Geo: Dating an HIV+ guy..."

I have finally received approval from the advise-seeker to post my reply to his letter. So here it is...

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Dear Confused HIV Dater,

Thank you for seeking my advice on this. Though I am not a guru in terms of relationship and stuff, I am glad that a blog-reader would actually trust me in their problems.

First things first. Never ever blame anyone just because of their disease. What they need now is support and care. One thing you have to understand though is that you will have to sacrifice a lot of things.

You have to bear in mind that as of today, there is still no cure for HIV. According to the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID), the medications being taken by the patient and the treatment itself “do not cure people of HIV or AIDS. Rather, they suppress the virus, even to undetectable levels, but they do not completely eliminate HIV from the body. By suppressing the amount of virus in the body, people infected with HIV can now lead longer and healthier lives. However, they can still transmit the virus and must continuously take antiretroviral drugs in order to maintain their health quality.”

You also have to understand the risks involved. I took the following information from the NIAID website as well for your benefit.

HIV Risk Factors

HIV is found in the blood, semen, or vaginal fluid of someone who is infected with the virus. You may be at increased risk of becoming infected with HIV if you: 

1.      Engage in anal, vaginal, or oral sex with men who have sex with men, multiple partners, or anonymous partners without using a condom 

2.      Inject drugs or steroids where needles/syringes are shared

3.      Have a sexually transmitted infection, such as syphilis, genital herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, bacterial vaginosis, or trichomoniasis 

4.      Have been diagnosed with hepatitis, tuberculosis, or malaria 

5.      Exchange sex for drugs or money 

6.      Are exposed to the virus as a fetus or infant before or during birth or through breastfeeding from a mother infected with HIV 

7.      Received a blood transfusion or clotting factor in the United States anytime from 1978 to 1985 

8.      Engage in unprotected sex with someone who has any of the risk factors listed above  

Quick Facts About HIV Transmission 

·        HIV cannot survive for very long outside of the body 

·       HIV cannot be transmitted through routine daily activities such as using a toilet seat, sharing food utensils or drinking glasses, shaking hands, or through kissing. 

·         The virus can only be transmitted from person to person, not through animals or insect bites 

·         People infected with HIV who are taking antiretroviral therapy can still infect others through unprotected sex and needle-sharing

Lastly, there is currently no vaccine to prevent HIV infection nor is there a cure for HIV/AIDS. To reduce your risk of becoming infected with HIV or transmitting the virus to others, one must observe the following:

·         Get tested regularly for HIV

·         Practice abstinence

·         Remain faithful to your spouse or partner

·         Consistently use male latex or female polyurethane condoms

·         Do not share needles

Understanding all of these may help you better appreciate your relationship with your soon-to-be-partner. Also understand the strong advise of practicing abstinence. Though you may be protected by using latex condoms, it is still highly suggested that abstaining from any sexual activity will lessen the risk of getting infected. I hope that I have enlightened you in one way or another. Thanks for writing.


Sincerely,

Dear Geo: Dating an HIV+ guy...

Before I reply to this letter, I will post it first and hear people's comments and then try to make an intelligent response by including as well other readers' comments... So please speak your mind out guys. It will mean a lot to the letter sender.

Dear Geo,

First and foremost, sorry if I want to keep myself anonymous for the reason that I promised I wouldn't tell anyone but I really have to talk to someone about this. 

We've only just recently met. We started talking for a few weeks and then that night happened where he told me he was positive. He said he initially didn't tell me because he didn't want to scare me away but he felt that it was unfair not to. 

I'm fairly inexperienced at life and have never been involved with anything especially in things like this so I don't really know what to do/say. He asked me to think about it and then tell him if I still want to continue with the whole thing. 

I also don't know much about HIV. After our first date, I looked it up and I admit that I am a bit... it's hard to describe... not worried about the whole thing or maybe I'm still unaware of the gravity of the situation. I don't know, it's just because I'm very inexperienced in matters such as this. I do very much like this person and even before our date, we kind of "clicked," much more so when we dated on that one particular time. 

He said that he didn't even know how he contracted HIV but he had himself tested and three months ago, his CD4 count is 50.  

I'm not sure where I'm going with this but as I said I need to talk to someone... anyone... about this. 

If I continue dating this person I know it's always going to be inkling at the back of my mind that I may too get infected. 

I'm mature in some ways but in the life experience department I'm still sort of a child. This will be something that I won't be able to have down-packed right away so I'm going to work on it. 

I'm not going to turn anyone HIV+ away or treat them differently just because they have HIV but as I've said I've never come across anything like this so far. I do really like this person, and by that I mean a lot, and apparently he likes me too. 

*sigh* I have no idea what to do, if I do start dating this person I feel like I should inform my friends and family. I'm not sure why but it feels like they should know, as long as this person will allow me. That being said I'm not going to want to keep it a secret from them if we do date. I'm not an independent person yet, meaning that I live at home still. And I'm not sure how my family would take it if they knew. Especially my mum seeing as how she likes to think that she still has a say in my life. 

Like I said, I don't know what I was trying to say now but I need to say something and ask anyone for some advice/support? 

I hope you will reply. I've read some of your posts on rants and rumblings before and I think you can give me an insightful advice. I'm not worried about the whole situation... just inexperienced. I'm confused. I really hope you can help me, Geo. 

I am looking forward to your reply. 

Regards, 

Confused HIV Dater